In divorce matters, we sometimes see conduct that is needlessly destructive to the divorcing spouses and their children. Divorce is an unhappy reality and the number of divorces continues to grow. Couples must try to keep the negative fallout of the process to a minimum – to attain a good divorce.
“Good divorce” need not be a contradiction in terms. While divorce is a dreaded prospect, its effect can be beneficial, as Constance Ahrons, Ph.D., explains in her book, The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart. According to the author, a good divorce occurs when parents and children are at least as emotionally well after the divorce as they were before.
It is suggested that divorcing parents form a “limited partnership” that nurtures the parent-child relationship of both spouses. This does not require that parents share child-care responsibilities equally. Rather, it means that they share them clearly. Some rules:
- The child comes first.
- The child has a right to two parents.
- Interaction between the parents will be minimal and centered around the child.
- Boundaries will be clearly specified.
- Common ground will be limited to what is absolutely agreed to be necessary by both parents.
To form healthy families after divorce, marriage must be separated from family. The couple must realize what belongs in a marriage contract and what belongs in a whole-family contract. The goal after divorce is to create a two-parent binuclear family that will continue to nurture relationships among children, parents and extended kin. The children’s interests are best served by parents’ allowing each other to love and nurture the children unobstructed by loyalty conflicts. The parents’ agreement should be clear and should put the children’s needs first.
With a better understanding of the stresses couples experience in a divorce, they can be guided toward a good divorce.